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You--Yes, You!--Can Help Win our Fight to Speed Up Global Warming

The Qualiast

You--Yes, You!--Can Help Win our Fight to Speed Up Global Warming

Daniel Yudkin

December and January were the warmest on record. Temperatures dipped below freezing only a handful of days in February. And meteorologists predict that more record-breaking highs are on the way.

This situation has the potential to affect millions of lives.

I know what you are thinking. You want to take action. You want to do something. At the same time, you’re thinking, “I’m only one person. What difference could I possibly make in the fight to accelerate climate change?” But never underestimate the power of a group of committed individuals to transform the world. Together, we can ensure the weather never again interferes with our ability to enjoy open-air brunch.

Start with the little things. If you drive to work, make sure your car’s transmission is switched off “Economy” mode. This will increase its ability to pump planet-warming molecules into the earth’s atmosphere. And avoid carpooling and public transportation. These undermine our collective battle to hasten global warming— and your tan.

Small changes to your daily routine can add up over time. Keep the tap water running while brushing your teeth. Take longer showers. Adding strain to your community’s infrastructure will increase your chances of having an early excuse to buy this season’s model of Ray-Bans.

Looking for other ways to expand your carbon footprint? Don’t forget about household electronics! For example, never put your computer monitor to “sleep” while way from your desk. Not only do monitors use plenty of electricity, they also release nitrogen trifluoride—a chemical thousands of times more effective at trapping sunlight than carbon dioxide, and a critical ally in our campaign to establish year-round rooftop barbecues.

Cell phones chargers, printers, and other adapters should be plugged into the wall at all times. Better yet—keep your holiday lights on twenty-four hours a day! Blast some Christmas music onto your front lawn for a festive feel that’s energy- consuming, too (ignore complaints from the neighbors). Try to make sure no outlet ever goes unused. Thank yourself for your hard work with a relaxing stroll in the eerily verdant park.

The kitchen is a rife with opportunities to scale up your personal emissions. Wedge a small cloth inside your freezer door to minimize efficiency. Leave the coffeepot on overnight. And remember to keep those blenders, food-processors, and other appliances operating at a low drone at all times. (This may of course result in difficulty carrying on a conversation, but that’s a small price to pay for civic responsibility.)

To really boost your greenhouse gas production, why not treat your oven as a personal incinerator? Yogurt containers, cans, and plastic bottles—all can be melted down in the comfort of your own home! Set the exhaust fan to “high” to shoot those valuable compounds straight into the ozone. Does this increase your risk of cancer? Is that too much to ask for the chance to wear sandals in March?

Jet travel is a fantastic source of climate-changing emissions. Turn otherwise nonstop flights into a labyrinthine hodgepodge of layovers and zigzagging connections. Traveling coast to coast? Slip in a stop to Kuala Lumpur! (New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver, who frequently doubles his mileage by stopping in Philadelphia on his way from New York to Albany, has set an inspiring example in this regard.)

Get involved! Campaign tours, which haul throngs of aides and journalists hundreds of miles every day, are particularly effective at burning through Earth’s valuable resources. But perverse incentives in Washington are threatening to undercut your politicians’ ability to launch campaigns years before the actual election. Tell your Congressperson to vote “No” in the fight for campaign finance reform. The larger and better-financed the political machine, the more we’ll all benefit from its commendable levels of energy consumption.

Finally, speak up. Talk to your friends and loved ones about their plans for promoting climate change. And if you see someone failing to do their part to warm the planet, give them a gentle reminder: no one can sit on the sidelines in our crusade to achieve permanent iced coffee weather.

There’s a long road ahead in our fight to accomplish global warming. But I believe that one day, God willing, we’ll be able to abolish once and for all that scourge of a season known as “winter.”